Hollywood Is Rebooting ‘The Crow’ And Everything Is Bad

Officially, laziness/sloth is one of the seven deadly sins in the Christian tradition and, unofficially, is THE deadly sin of the entertainment industry. But these days, Hollywood might as well just curl its slow-moving tail around a tree branch and audition for a part in the new “Ice Age” film.

News broke earlier this week that a reboot of the 1994 cult classic “The Crow” is in the works and is expected to begin production in January 2017. Jason Momoa of “Game of Thrones” fame is slated to play the title character of Eric Draven, and it will be directed by one Colin Hardy (whose IMDB page isn’t exactly “War and Peace”).

'The Crow' Reboot Will Shoot in January 2017 https://t.co/hJvDW4jfUL pic.twitter.com/c8JLNiQmhA

— Peter Sciretta (@slashfilm) September 7, 2016

Perhaps this is particularly offensive to me as somebody who was born in 1994 and has always romanticized “The Crow” as one of the five must-see movies of that magnificent year in which I came into existence (along with “Forrest Gump,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Speed,” and “Pulp Fiction”). But seeing as we’ve already been punished in the last seven months alone with a contemptible “Zoolander 2” sequel, an indefensible-at-best “Ghostbusters” remake, an uninspired and poorly-executed “Ben-Hur” reboot that probably had Charlton Heston rolling over in the grave, and a summer box office season even more lethargic than a James Harden defensive sequence, my guess is that I’m not the only one who’s fed up.

We’re not even just talking about respect for the dead here, the original movie being the final cinematic appearance of Brandon Lee, whose life was cut tragically short by an accidental shooting while on set of the film. But we’re talking about respect for a work of art, for a film whose themes of revenge and gothic escapism spoke to angsty teens and disillusioned elders alike in the chaotic backdrop of the grungy mid-90s (and would later go on to help inspire Heath Ledger’s unforgettable performance as The Joker in “The Dark Knight” nearly a decade-and-a-half later).

Simply put, “The Crow” is an ageless microcosm of a bygone era that is better off being remembered for what it was instead of trying to be redone into something that it’s not. While there’s definitely a time and a place for reboots of classic films (Marvel appears to have nailed this down pretty well in recent years) because everybody tires by the umpteenth Melissa McCarthy slapstick and the kajillionth Kevin Hart buddy comedy, if Hollywood were to have a canonical “Do Not Remake” list to go off of, “The Crow” would likely be right up there in the same breath as “Back To The Future,” “The Breakfast Club,” and every Stanley Kubrick film ever.

Apparently, this project has been in the works for many years now, so I guess we should be thanking our lucky stars for making it this far without having to be exposed to that grand malarkey (shoutout Joe Biden). But now that it finally appears to be happening, I think back to Draven’s most famous line from the film:

Well my friends, it looks like this reboot is going to truly put that quote of his to the test.